Internal Family Systems (IFS)
“IFS therapy is kind of magical.” ~Tim Ferris
Coming home to your wise inner world
The IFS model teaches that we are all inherently multiple. This means that we are composed of different personality parts that are sometimes in conflict with each other.
Consider this: Have you ever had a part of you wanting to go out to see friends and another part of you wanting to stay in? Is there a part of you that wants to sing at karaoke and another part that keeps you silent? Have you noticed a part that wants to please your narcissistic parent and another part that wants to go no contact?
When we have inner arguments, it is two parts of us with competing agendas. But IFS holds that there are “no bad parts” of us because they each have good intentions. The one who doesn’t want to see friends is helping you get some rest. The one that doesn’t want to sing in public remembers past embarrassment. The one that wants to please your parent is experiencing the threat of abandonment. The issue is that some of these coping patterns are outdated.
IFS calls these parts “protectors.”
These parts are more than their defense mechanisms, but they jumped into the fray when you weren’t receiving outside protection. These parts took on survival strategies that made the most sense in childhood, even if their behaviors no longer align with your values. Isolation keeps you away from people you love. Hiding your creativity means that you don’t feel seen. Fawning over your abusive parent makes you feel smaller and younger than you are. You can thank your parts that valiantly fought to keep you safe when you were too young to fend for yourself, while gently guiding them towards alternative perspectives.
“I saw that this Self that dialogues with all the egoic parts is my soul. Dwelling in this awareness allowed me have a direct, physically felt sense of god / love / spirit / compassion.” ~Alanis Morissette
Fortunately, there is another presence inside of you. The quiet center called Self.
Self is the spiritual core beneath the survival system. Self contains the 8 C’s: calm, clarity, compassion, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness and the 5 P’s: patience, persistence, playfulness, presence, perspective.
Using guided visualization, we access Self as an inner nurturer. Protectors get comforted by Self’s compassion, and realize that they are finally held by something larger, which is what they deserved to feel from their parents. These parts then can let down their guard and shed their extreme coping strategies. They will share about the little ones inside that they had to protect, called exiles. Reparenting exiles restores a sense of innocence, playfulness, and safety to parts — a process called “unburdening.” It works through visiting traumatic memories that shaped your beliefs and behaviors and imagining a different ending. We can’t change what happened to you, but we can change the way it feels inside, through rewiring neural pathways.
Self is a magical mediator for your protector parts. Self’s natural clarity brings balance to your multiple perspectives, so you can make decisions with increased inner trust. Sometimes it makes sense to stay home, sometimes it makes sense to socialize. Sometimes privacy makes more sense than exposure, and sometimes low contact is the sweet spot between people pleasing and no contact. All parts add value, and have unique gifts to share. As they heal, they can choose to take on a different job or quit working altogether. They will always be a part of you.
